How to catch a haggis? Well, first throw one up in the air … only kidding.
But really, I often get asked by visitors to Scotland, how do you catch a haggis (almost as often as, what do real Scotsmen wear under their skirts, sorry, kilts).
So how do we capture them?
As you are probably aware, the haggis is a notoriously elusive creature. It can run at speeds in
excess of 5 mph, especially when chased by coachloads of hungry tourists or indeed by our specially-trained haggis-bashers.
Wearing only their kilts, these brave men get up at 3 am every morning and disappear into the misty glens armed only with a bottle of the finest malt whisky and a large baton. Given the agility of the haggis, it would be a futile exercise to chase the beast around the hills.
Fortunately, like many other creatures, the haggis has a fondness for fine malt whiskies, and within minutes of sampling its favourite drink it is completely inebriated. The haggis topples over and rolls to the bottom of the hill and at this point the haggis-basher comes out of hiding and thumps it with his wooden baton. This may sound painful but the haggis, by this time, feels nothing.
This method of capture is so successful that it is only due to the spectacular breeding abilities of the haggis that it still survives in such large numbers.
For another haggis catching method (and my preferred option), see the blog post above. I’ll leave it to you to choose your own preferred method.